Where the hell have I been?????
So, it's almost 3 in the morning on a Sunday night/Monday morning and I'm looking at this stupid Blog thinking to myself, "What the fuck did you start this for if you're not going to update it regularly......and if/when u do start updating it on a regular basis, are you gonna have the guts to be completely honest about how you're feeling and what you're thinking?" That was my whole intent, I guess. To just use this as a sounding board for myself. Not because I knew anyone else would read it, but because I was hoping that if I were to actually put my thoughts and feelings into words and in print, it might better help me to understand where the hell my head is at!
That probably makes no sense at all, but as I sit and type, I'm thinking I should make a golden rule right now for this Blog of mine. And that rule should be that whenever I post an entry to this site, I will NOT ever go back later on and edit the content, or delete the whole post, or change it in any way just because I've had time to think about what I wrote. I don't care what substance I may be under the influence of or what irrational state of mind I may be in, I absolutely cannot change my entries. Those are the times when I think I am most true to myself and brutally honest about my feelings, and if I allow myself to re-visit the postings after sober time spent re-thinking my words, then this will all be a waste of time. Since my hope is to learn about myself by expressing what I'm thinking and feeling in any given moment, it would defeat the whole purpose if I was to allow myself to go back and edit those thoughts.
Am I right?? Of course I am! (FYI.....One thing that anyone needs to know about me right of the bat is that I am ALWAYS right??? :-)) Well, ok...On very rare occasions, I have been known to be incorrect on a couple things, but that is VERY rare!!!! I pride myself and push myself to be able to answer any question or handle any problem that comes my way with complete accuracy....At least that's what I strive to achieve!... DUH!)....
Anyway......Now, let's see if I can hold myself to this golden rule!!! Whether I can or not remains to be seen. All I can offer at this very moment is my determination to at least make the effort. And at a minimum, to at least prove to myself that I am still the same person I once was, knowing that I could always reach and usually surpass whatever goal I set for myself!!!! At 34 years old, that confidence has been lost to me. I feel I have struggled through and lived a life most people will never have to face. I believe that if I continue on the path I've been heading down and allow such a negative attitude to consume me, I will then have also lived a life that ended in defeat!!!! I pray that the fighter I once was, and who for so many years was the driving force in my life, will once again emerge and prevail over the defeated soul that I've surrendered myself to for the last few years!!
Good Lord....It's a good thing I am forcing myself not to proof-read these posts. Something tells me that if I did, the resulting product would be completely different than what the above spontaneous thoughts reveal about my current state of mind. Here's to hoping I have the strength to resist making any kind of changes to these thoughts!!! How could I hope to learn and perhaps grow from them if they aren't honest and from the heart, right??? Right!!!!!
Until the next time I am stricken with the urge to purge my soul......
That probably makes no sense at all, but as I sit and type, I'm thinking I should make a golden rule right now for this Blog of mine. And that rule should be that whenever I post an entry to this site, I will NOT ever go back later on and edit the content, or delete the whole post, or change it in any way just because I've had time to think about what I wrote. I don't care what substance I may be under the influence of or what irrational state of mind I may be in, I absolutely cannot change my entries. Those are the times when I think I am most true to myself and brutally honest about my feelings, and if I allow myself to re-visit the postings after sober time spent re-thinking my words, then this will all be a waste of time. Since my hope is to learn about myself by expressing what I'm thinking and feeling in any given moment, it would defeat the whole purpose if I was to allow myself to go back and edit those thoughts.
Am I right?? Of course I am! (FYI.....One thing that anyone needs to know about me right of the bat is that I am ALWAYS right??? :-)) Well, ok...On very rare occasions, I have been known to be incorrect on a couple things, but that is VERY rare!!!! I pride myself and push myself to be able to answer any question or handle any problem that comes my way with complete accuracy....At least that's what I strive to achieve!...
Anyway......Now, let's see if I can hold myself to this golden rule!!! Whether I can or not remains to be seen. All I can offer at this very moment is my determination to at least make the effort. And at a minimum, to at least prove to myself that I am still the same person I once was, knowing that I could always reach and usually surpass whatever goal I set for myself!!!! At 34 years old, that confidence has been lost to me. I feel I have struggled through and lived a life most people will never have to face. I believe that if I continue on the path I've been heading down and allow such a negative attitude to consume me, I will then have also lived a life that ended in defeat!!!! I pray that the fighter I once was, and who for so many years was the driving force in my life, will once again emerge and prevail over the defeated soul that I've surrendered myself to for the last few years!!
Good Lord....It's a good thing I am forcing myself not to proof-read these posts. Something tells me that if I did, the resulting product would be completely different than what the above spontaneous thoughts reveal about my current state of mind. Here's to hoping I have the strength to resist making any kind of changes to these thoughts!!! How could I hope to learn and perhaps grow from them if they aren't honest and from the heart, right??? Right!!!!!
Until the next time I am stricken with the urge to purge my soul......
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